Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
You Might Also Like
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
john wicks are toilet candles
…..pretty much.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
LMAO.
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, is a crock of shit. If you get pregnant, pick up an STD, or contract covid, that shit will follow you everywhere.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
“I’ll be back for you real soon” I whisper to the leftover lasagne
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.