@IamEnidColeslaw: who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you're asleep? I'm worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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@SteveSuckington: [comes home from store] Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess... earmuffs were on sale? Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
@NYC_Blonde: You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.
@NicestHippo: BEAR JUDGE: Counsel, this is your last warning, you cannot-- LAWYER: *plays dead* BEAR JUDGE: Where did he go