who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
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I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
gm
*lets out a blood curdling scream* HELP MY BLOOD IS CURDLING
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.