Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.