The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
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I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.