@IamEnidColeslaw: who is Godzilla's least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
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@phaggots: [texting my girlfriend] wyd? "Just finished my homework" Cool, Send a pic (; ? *gf sends a nude* Ewww wtf!! i meant of your homework!
@robin_991: Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a good chat. Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
@mlccm: Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
@DanMentos: [job interview] "Why do you want to leave your current job?" My boss is a total idiot "It says here you're self-employed?" Yes that's right