who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
You Might Also Like
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
“Whatever you do in bed, Sealy supports it”. Clearly whoever came up with that ad doesn’t watch CSI.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!