Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
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*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Golf would be better with landmines.
No one :
Me when I swimming :
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.