Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
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Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Noah
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.