Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
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You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going out and spending hours talking and drinking we can spend hours waiting for a toddler to eat a chicken tender.
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.