Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
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“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Did my cat write this
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The real reason evolution started..😂
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
iPhone X
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.