When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
You Might Also Like
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.