Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
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every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
sitcoms would be a lot more believable if they had 5 loads of laundry waiting to be folded on the sofa
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*