Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
The human personality is made of five key elements
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one