* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
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Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
sleeping beauty
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.