take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
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no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.