When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
This is true.
Sign at work today
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*