Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*