Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
You Might Also Like
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.