Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
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Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Thank you corporation very cool
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?