Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
Who wants to be my Valentine?