Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
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Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*sewing*
A thread
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.