When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
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How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
monday
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
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a
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.