Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
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I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
where the womens at?
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet