WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
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[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.