@Carbosly: "I think we should start touching other people." -Blind couple breaking up.

@stockejock: My mom's favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

@krissywillbretz: [Spelling bee] Dad Judge: your word is "arson" Contestant: can you use it in a sentence? Dad Judge: You're not arson, you're adopted.

@mjkspeaks: [girlfriend finally texts back] ME: i’m so mad at you. HER: i’m naked come over. ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe

@JaneBadall: If I was an alcoholic, I'd stash all my booze in the laundry basket because apparently I'm the only person in my house who knows it exists.