Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You Might Also Like
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man