@internetluke: [talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill] "No" What? "You can't sit in the Kangaroos pouch" *places $50 back in my pocket*

@mikefossey: Guy: I'll pay for my coffee and the guy behind me Me: hi thanks can I get a large coffee with 85 espresso shots

@causticbob: When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil. Worked a treat. Got me twenty years.

@iGreenMonk: Some day when scientists discover the center of the universe, many people are going to be disappointed to find out it isn't them.

@The_GetawayGirl: everyone telling you that you're beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.