My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
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People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?