Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
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I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
want me to check your oil?
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Would you wear it?
😂💯
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…