CO-WORKER: Ten minutes until quitting time!
ME: Wow, you’re resigning too?
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Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
When can I start eating bats again.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.
Material possessions mean nothing to me.
*breaks phone*
I don’t think I can make it through this week.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.