Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
pinnochio trying to win a 40 yard dash by lying as fast as he can at the end
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked