Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
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coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me trying to “trust the process”
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
found this cool rock hiking today
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.