It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
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If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
😂😂😂
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
🤣🤣
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.