ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
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If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
[wife opens emergency kit after disaster] WTF THERE’S NOTHING IN HERE EXCEPT ENYA ALBUMS
Me: [trying to hide my shame] oh wow, whose are those
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place