Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
It be like that sometimes 😆
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Natty or not?
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Child: I need to be dismissed from school, my stomach hurts.
Also child, after being dismissed: [orders himself DoorDash from McDonald’s at 8 PM]
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I could never be a starving artist because the first time I got hungry I’d be like that’s enough art.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other