Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
OMG, MY DAUGHTER IS DYING!
Oh, my bad, it’s just her reaction to having to do a chore.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.