Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
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If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.