Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
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“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Just as the prophecy foretold
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD