Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
You Might Also Like
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous