[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
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“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?