so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
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If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
beware of dog
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.