Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
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I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em