“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
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In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together