whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
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A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.