“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
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Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf