“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
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I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
The future is now.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Lol
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.