Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
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You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Through the drive thru speaker: would you like to try the chicken club
Me: [ imagining chickens getting down on the dance floor ] hell yes I would
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
it was love at first sight
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them