“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
listen closely
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Seductively sings in Klingon.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.