“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
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“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
My GF is such a bad cook. The flies got together to fix the Screen Door.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court