Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
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If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.