Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.