Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
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Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.